February 27, 2009

     I must be healing.  Today I spent about 5 hours going through 4 years of stuff......cards, posters, photos, newpaper articles.....all things I had saved in a big box or two and kept in the living room behind the couch.  Joel has been nagging me for months to "just get rid of that stuff....there is nothing there you need.  That's all in the past now, let's try to move on to the future."  I kept putting it off, saying "I'll get around to it", or "There's stuff there I need." 

     It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.  Probably because HE IS getting better, we are moving ahead, that stuff is all behind us.  He's had the best week he's ever had.  Why would I want to keep pictures of Cade in a coma, in the hospital bed at Western Medical Center?   I even still had the big posters the kids at Ensign School made that I hung on his wall in the ICU at Western Med that first week.  Yes, there is stuff I still kept, a small pile of the most memorable stuff, and some things that I think Cade will want to read and see when he is much better.  Actually, Cade and I tackled the project together.  I took the time to show him some cards and pictures, but all in all, I think we both just wanted to clean it out and move on.  You know how you feel when you clean out your closet getting rid of all your old clothes?  That's how it felt, only better. 

     And we've got walking therapy to go do!  There's more important stuff ahead of us than behind us, I think. 

December 15, 2008

Your Sincere Best

Reality is what you make of it.  Life is the way you choose to live it. 

Gently accept the way things are.  And then put the energy of your focus on exactly how you would like for things to be. 

Everything in your world happens for a reason.  Get yourself some good, meaningful, compelling reasons and use them to drive events forward. 

You don't have to settle for anything less than the absolute best for yourself and the world.  For you can act in every moment with the positive, purposeful energy of your own unique life. 

Give your sincere best in every moment, at every opportunity.  And make the reality of life as outstandingly beautiful as you know it can be. 

November 5, 2008

     One week after surgery. 

     I woke up today and decided that today is about perserverance.  Holding my head up.  Keeping things in order when I would rather cry, sleep or yell at the sky.  Today is going to be about trying to smile, trying to be grateful, trying to take the focus off of me and giving back to those who have so freely given me their love.  Trying to ignore indifference when I crave attention.  Today is going to be about moving forward with my eyes focused on the future rather than the past.  Today is about working through whatever You have put on my plate.  Your plan will not break me.  I will give You my heart and sole. 

           "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   

JEREMIAH 29:11  

November 2, 2008

     My thoughts are, at this point, random, irrational, confused, blinded, and hard to put into words.  I don't have anything I want to say. 

Father's Day June 15, 2008

     Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there.  Especially you Dad. 

     My sister Debbie, my brother Gary and I buried our father on Friday.  He was 85 years old and died in his sleep after a brief period of failing health due to old age.  I flew to New Jersey and he was buried in our home town of Caldwell, next to my mom who died in 1977.  My regrets of not seeing more of my Dad over the past several years cut deep in my heart. 

     The weekend was mixed with the joy of being together with my family and the despair and heartbreak of lossing a big part of who and what I am.  My Dad was terrific and we will miss him desperately.  He taught me so much and I am proud that so much of him lives on in me.  On the long flight home, I thought about how this is a new chapter in my life.....Joel and I in our 50's now, McKenzie growing up and out of the house, Cade trying to rebuild what he can of his life and both of my parent's lives gone full circle.  And in spite of the difficulties we face every day with Cade, I am comitted to making these next several decades as good as the beginning chapters of my life. 

     I relished every minute I had with my family in the short few days I was in NJ for the funeral.   I think all of us realized that family time has taken on a new significance.  I enjoyed getting to know my sister better and hearing about her travels abroad and her job experiences in Africa.  I loved seeing so much of my father in my brother Gary and we shared so many memories of Dad and our Mom.  I rejoiced over the opportunity to be with his wife and two great kids and all they have accomplished.  How fortunate I was to re-connect with cousin Anthony and his wife.  I am so grateful for all everyone did to help my father those last few months of his life. 

     As children, I don't think we can comprehend or realize the extent and full meaning of a father's love.  How patient and wise they are.....the kindness and forgiveness that are a part of each day.  The sacrafices they make.  But as time goes by and we get older, we see more clearly the love and loyalty they have.  How sad that it is never more clear to us than when we are forced to say our goodbyes.  

    I learned so much these past few days....about myself, about life and death, about family, about my heart.  You sometimes think you have it all figured out......who you are, where you're going in life, what gifts you have been given and how you are using them.  But if you look at it carefully, there is still so much to learn, so much to give, so much to do to make a difference.  I want to wake up every morning and realize I still have so much more that He wants me to do. 

    And I pray that God continues to give me that chance.....to seek His face in all I do.......that He will direct my path.........and bring good from all I do.   

     Happy Father's Day, Dad. 

PS   As we celebrate this Father's Day with Joel, our thoughts and prayers are with McKenzie as she arrives in Uganda, Africa for her mission.  Thank you for your prayers and support of McKenzie, too as she realizes her dream of working in Gulu, Uganda. 

                       May 20, 2008

     Here we sit......baclofen pump free.  It has always been part of our plan, our prayer, a wish we were not sure could come true.  And yet, funny how it had to happen.   Cade has to suffer through several weeks of life-threatening baclofen withdrawal and I had to stomp my foot and insist that someone help us. We never gave up.  But it happened.  And to those people who helped us make it happen, you were God sent. 

     And it is obvious to us that God continues to use Cade in His way to make a difference. 

    Funny too, how when Cade got out of surgery, and we talked to the doctors, I had a fleeting moment of being unsure.....did we do the right thing?......maybe Cade would do better on the pump if we just fixed it?.......should we have left it in?   I could barely believe I was thinking that stuff.  But those thoughts left quickly and honestly, I am thrilled that Cade is finally rid of all that "hardware" that someone tried to convince me would make a difference.  It turned out to be a problem, not a solution. 

    They chose to keep Cade overnight at CHOC because some spinal fluid leaked out during the surgery.  But wait, I am confused.  Everyone has said for months now that Cade is a "dry tap" meaning that in that area of the spinal column, Cade has so much scar tissue that he doesn't hold any spinal fluid there.  But he had a gush of fluid after the catheter was pulled.....a good thing to be sure.....but another "mis-call" by the doctors.  Leaving me more confused than before. 

    It's truly amazing to us that even though it has been so long since Cade has been at CHOC, we still know so many nurses and staff there.  We were so warmly welcomed in the Surgery Center by everyone who knows Cade.....and we grinned ear to ear when they all said, "Wow!!!  He looks terrific!!!  We are so happy to see you all doing so well."  So after surgery it was over to CHOC we went.....where we spent 11 long months.....and then on to the 5th floor, the Neuro Floor, they call it....where we spent 5 months.  And what room did they assign us?  511.....that same room, that claustrophobic, emotional filled room.....where we spent Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day.  I remember each of them.  Joel didn't seem as bothered by it as me or McKenzie did......we just looked at each other and said, Can you believe we are in the same room?  

    Well, we got Cade settled in and the visitors started coming.  CHOC staff visitors, that is.  I guess you can figure we were in our old stomping ground and word got out fast.  All our old nurses and CNA's stopped in to give us hugs and say hello.  Neuroscience staff came to say hello and see how Cade was doing.  The chaplain stopped by.  It was unbelievable.  We were so touched.  Nurses that have been transferred to other depts or floors heard we were there and came to say hello.  And then Cory danced into the room giving us never ending hugs, saying, "guess who is Cade's nurse tonight????"  Well, the awful feeling of being back at CHOC and stuck in Room 511 was immediately replaced by the incredible amount of love that surrounded us. We were humbled beyond words.  Thank you CHOC.  Although those days were difficult beyond words, we have never forgotten you or what you did for us. 

     Again, every day we see how God is using Cade to make a difference. 

     The night before Cade's surgery, I scanned through and re-read sections of one of my favorite books, Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To, by Anthony DeStefano.  It always reminds me of what to pray for and how to look for His answers.  Granted, in my deepest of hearts, I wish one of the prayers he would definately say yes to me is, "God, heal my son in every way."  It has been an internal struggle.....this whole concept of how God answers prayers....I know he doesn't pick and chose......this one I will heal, this one I won't.....I also know that no matter how hard I pray, how often I pray, or how I pray, I have no control over whether God will heal Cade.  So I try to keep my eyes focused on what DeStefano says in his book.  He definately answers these 10 prayers.  He sums it up in what he calls

The Yes Prayer

With praise for all you are, Lord and thanks for all you bless; Lord, grant me these ten petitions with your eternal Yes. 

Please show me that you're there when I can't see your face; Send troubled souls my way, their wounds I will erase. 

Let me see with your eyes, my mind with your thoughts fill; But more than wisdom give me, the strength to do your will.  

Bless me with abundance then put me to the test; Gladly I will give you much more than I possess. 

Send me your tranquility in troubled times and calm; with loving arms sustain me through suffering and harm. 

Forgive me for my sins through legion they may be; when death and evil triumph, bring good from tragedy. 

But most of all reveal the meaning of my life, the purpose of my glories, the reasons for my strife.  My destiny in Heaven, no tears to flow again, my God please grant me all; In Christ Our Lord. Amen. 

To sum it up, the 10 Prayers God Always Says Yes To are:

God, show me you exist.

God, make me an instrument.

God, outdo me in your generosity.

God, get me through this suffering.

God, forgive me. 

God, give me peace.

God, give me courage.

God, give me wisdom.

God, bring good out of this bad situation.

God, lead me to my destiny.   

April 10, 2008

     I never know what to write here.  With the Roller Coaster of Brain Injury, my thoughts are all over the place.....some rational, some not so much.  But let me see if I can get through this. 

    Daily, my heart aches with saddness.  A deep saddness that I know I will have forever.  I haven't figured out yet how to make it go away, or how to deal with it, or how to move beyond it.  It's just there.....every day, every night.  I can't seem to shake it. 

   So, I stay busy.....busy trying to help Cade get better, busy getting through each day.  Busy trying to figure out the baclofen pump problem, busy finding good therapy, busy looking for nursing help, busy on the internet looking at what is happening with brain injury, busy networking with other brain injury families.  Busy working on the stuff our therapists have taught us.....honestly, if I stopped being so busy that I had to sit and realize that we are trying to re-teach Cade everything he knows from the beginning, I would just crumble.  I just don't want to think about the reality of it. 

    All this busy-ness can lead to tremendous frustration.  I MEAN, COME ON NOW.....I HAVE A CHILD TO GET BETTER!   What is taking so long?  Why don't we have an answer on the baclofen pump yet?  No, I don't want to schedule therapy to start on May 20th....I want it to start tomorrow!  And why does it take so long for people to get back to you!!  I hear this from everyone I know on the Brain Injury Roller Coaster.....the frustrations in dealing within the medical community are tremendous......and the Roller Coaster goes around and around in circles.  

    So how do we get through it?  Well, looking back over these past three years, it's people that stand out, not things or events.  It's the deep love of people who have helped us get through.....family, friends, strangers, and strangers who once were, and now are dear friends.  Of course, it has been the intense love of our family that has held us together.  Joel told me early on.....we can't let the ship go down, just because one of our sailors is hurt.....we have to keep afloat....we have to keep moving ahead, moving on WITH Cade....as this is what is best for Cade, and for all of us.  So we move ahead, day by day, looking out over the sea for land.  And that's what we have to do.   Easy?  Not in a heartbeat....but so much is possible with love.  And I am so grateful for all the love that surrounds us.  I know that Cade feels that love, too.  

     A quick update on McKenzie.  She is winding down her freshman year at Azusa Pacific University and doing well.  She is thrilled that we broke down and let her take her car back with her after Spring Break.  Classes are done May 2nd and she will be home for the summer.  She applied for a position on a Christian Mission trip with RockHarbor Church and was selected to go to Uganda, Africa for two weeks this summer.  She has already raised 58% of the money required to go.  She is head over heels about "going global" and fulfilling her dream of going to work in Africa.  She spent a week of her Spring Break in Mexicali, Mexico working with under-privileged kids.  This stuff just turns her on.  She's pretty balanced though.....tongue in cheek.....she knows how to spend money just as well as she can raise it for the under-privileged.  She's the average American teenager in that way.....she loves to shop....for her it's shoes and purses.  But she is a hard worker, her grades have been great and we couldn't be more proud of her.  

     Wow, I am proud of myself!  This section was easier to write than I imagined.  It's wrapping it up that is pro