Father's Day June 15, 2008

     Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there.  Especially you Dad. 

     My sister Debbie, my brother Gary and I buried our father on Friday.  He was 85 years old and died in his sleep after a brief period of failing health due to old age.  I flew to New Jersey and he was buried in our home town of Caldwell, next to my mom who died in 1977.  My regrets of not seeing more of my Dad over the past several years cut deep in my heart. 

     The weekend was mixed with the joy of being together with my family and the despair and heartbreak of lossing a big part of who and what I am.  My Dad was terrific and we will miss him desperately.  He taught me so much and I am proud that so much of him lives on in me.  On the long flight home, I thought about how this is a new chapter in my life.....Joel and I in our 50's now, McKenzie growing up and out of the house, Cade trying to rebuild what he can of his life and both of my parent's lives gone full circle.  And in spite of the difficulties we face every day with Cade, I am comitted to making these next several decades as good as the beginning chapters of my life. 

     I relished every minute I had with my family in the short few days I was in NJ for the funeral.   I think all of us realized that family time has taken on a new significance.  I enjoyed getting to know my sister better and hearing about her travels abroad and her job experiences in Africa.  I loved seeing so much of my father in my brother Gary and we shared so many memories of Dad and our Mom.  I rejoiced over the opportunity to be with his wife and two great kids and all they have accomplished.  How fortunate I was to re-connect with cousin Anthony and his wife.  I am so grateful for all everyone did to help my father those last few months of his life. 

     As children, I don't think we can comprehend or realize the extent and full meaning of a father's love.  How patient and wise they are.....the kindness and forgiveness that are a part of each day.  The sacrafices they make.  But as time goes by and we get older, we see more clearly the love and loyalty they have.  How sad that it is never more clear to us than when we are forced to say our goodbyes.  

    I learned so much these past few days....about myself, about life and death, about family, about my heart.  You sometimes think you have it all figured out......who you are, where you're going in life, what gifts you have been given and how you are using them.  But if you look at it carefully, there is still so much to learn, so much to give, so much to do to make a difference.  I want to wake up every morning and realize I still have so much more that He wants me to do. 

    And I pray that God continues to give me that chance.....to seek His face in all I do.......that He will direct my path.........and bring good from all I do.   

     Happy Father's Day, Dad. 

PS   As we celebrate this Father's Day with Joel, our thoughts and prayers are with McKenzie as she arrives in Uganda, Africa for her mission.  Thank you for your prayers and support of McKenzie, too as she realizes her dream of working in Gulu, Uganda. 

                       May 20, 2008

     Here we sit......baclofen pump free.  It has always been part of our plan, our prayer, a wish we were not sure could come true.  And yet, funny how it had to happen.   Cade has to suffer through several weeks of life-threatening baclofen withdrawal and I had to stomp my foot and insist that someone help us. We never gave up.  But it happened.  And to those people who helped us make it happen, you were God sent. 

     And it is obvious to us that God continues to use Cade in His way to make a difference. 

    Funny too, how when Cade got out of surgery, and we talked to the doctors, I had a fleeting moment of being unsure.....did we do the right thing?......maybe Cade would do better on the pump if we just fixed it?.......should we have left it in?   I could barely believe I was thinking that stuff.  But those thoughts left quickly and honestly, I am thrilled that Cade is finally rid of all that "hardware" that someone tried to convince me would make a difference.  It turned out to be a problem, not a solution. 

    They chose to keep Cade overnight at CHOC because some spinal fluid leaked out during the surgery.  But wait, I am confused.  Everyone has said for months now that Cade is a "dry tap" meaning that in that area of the spinal column, Cade has so much scar tissue that he doesn't hold any spinal fluid there.  But he had a gush of fluid after the catheter was pulled.....a good thing to be sure.....but another "mis-call" by the doctors.  Leaving me more confused than before. 

    It's truly amazing to us that even though it has been so long since Cade has been at CHOC, we still know so many nurses and staff there.  We were so warmly welcomed in the Surgery Center by everyone who knows Cade.....and we grinned ear to ear when they all said, "Wow!!!  He looks terrific!!!  We are so happy to see you all doing so well."  So after surgery it was over to CHOC we went.....where we spent 11 long months.....and then on to the 5th floor, the Neuro Floor, they call it....where we spent 5 months.  And what room did they assign us?  511.....that same room, that claustrophobic, emotional filled room.....where we spent Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day.  I remember each of them.  Joel didn't seem as bothered by it as me or McKenzie did......we just looked at each other and said, Can you believe we are in the same room?  

    Well, we got Cade settled in and the visitors started coming.  CHOC staff visitors, that is.  I guess you can figure we were in our old stomping ground and word got out fast.  All our old nurses and CNA's stopped in to give us hugs and say hello.  Neuroscience staff came to say hello and see how Cade was doing.  The chaplain stopped by.  It was unbelievable.  We were so touched.  Nurses that have been transferred to other depts or floors heard we were there and came to say hello.  And then Cory danced into the room giving us never ending hugs, saying, "guess who is Cade's nurse tonight????"  Well, the awful feeling of being back at CHOC and stuck in Room 511 was immediately replaced by the incredible amount of love that surrounded us. We were humbled beyond words.  Thank you CHOC.  Although those days were difficult beyond words, we have never forgotten you or what you did for us. 

     Again, every day we see how God is using Cade to make a difference. 

     The night before Cade's surgery, I scanned through and re-read sections of one of my favorite books, Ten Prayers God Always Says Yes To, by Anthony DeStefano.  It always reminds me of what to pray for and how to look for His answers.  Granted, in my deepest of hearts, I wish one of the prayers he would definately say yes to me is, "God, heal my son in every way."  It has been an internal struggle.....this whole concept of how God answers prayers....I know he doesn't pick and chose......this one I will heal, this one I won't.....I also know that no matter how hard I pray, how often I pray, or how I pray, I have no control over whether God will heal Cade.  So I try to keep my eyes focused on what DeStefano says in his book.  He definately answers these 10 prayers.  He sums it up in what he calls

The Yes Prayer

With praise for all you are, Lord and thanks for all you bless; Lord, grant me these ten petitions with your eternal Yes. 

Please show me that you're there when I can't see your face; Send troubled souls my way, their wounds I will erase. 

Let me see with your eyes, my mind with your thoughts fill; But more than wisdom give me, the strength to do your will.  

Bless me with abundance then put me to the test; Gladly I will give you much more than I possess. 

Send me your tranquility in troubled times and calm; with loving arms sustain me through suffering and harm. 

Forgive me for my sins through legion they may be; when death and evil triumph, bring good from tragedy. 

But most of all reveal the meaning of my life, the purpose of my glories, the reasons for my strife.  My destiny in Heaven, no tears to flow again, my God please grant me all; In Christ Our Lord. Amen. 

To sum it up, the 10 Prayers God Always Says Yes To are:

God, show me you exist.

God, make me an instrument.

God, outdo me in your generosity.

God, get me through this suffering.

God, forgive me. 

God, give me peace.

God, give me courage.

God, give me wisdom.

God, bring good out of this bad situation.

God, lead me to my destiny.   

April 10, 2008

     I never know what to write here.  With the Roller Coaster of Brain Injury, my thoughts are all over the place.....some rational, some not so much.  But let me see if I can get through this. 

    Daily, my heart aches with saddness.  A deep saddness that I know I will have forever.  I haven't figured out yet how to make it go away, or how to deal with it, or how to move beyond it.  It's just there.....every day, every night.  I can't seem to shake it. 

   So, I stay busy.....busy trying to help Cade get better, busy getting through each day.  Busy trying to figure out the baclofen pump problem, busy finding good therapy, busy looking for nursing help, busy on the internet looking at what is happening with brain injury, busy networking with other brain injury families.  Busy working on the stuff our therapists have taught us.....honestly, if I stopped being so busy that I had to sit and realize that we are trying to re-teach Cade everything he knows from the beginning, I would just crumble.  I just don't want to think about the reality of it. 

    All this busy-ness can lead to tremendous frustration.  I MEAN, COME ON NOW.....I HAVE A CHILD TO GET BETTER!   What is taking so long?  Why don't we have an answer on the baclofen pump yet?  No, I don't want to schedule therapy to start on May 20th....I want it to start tomorrow!  And why does it take so long for people to get back to you!!  I hear this from everyone I know on the Brain Injury Roller Coaster.....the frustrations in dealing within the medical community are tremendous......and the Roller Coaster goes around and around in circles.  

    So how do we get through it?  Well, looking back over these past three years, it's people that stand out, not things or events.  It's the deep love of people who have helped us get through.....family, friends, strangers, and strangers who once were, and now are dear friends.  Of course, it has been the intense love of our family that has held us together.  Joel told me early on.....we can't let the ship go down, just because one of our sailors is hurt.....we have to keep afloat....we have to keep moving ahead, moving on WITH Cade....as this is what is best for Cade, and for all of us.  So we move ahead, day by day, looking out over the sea for land.  And that's what we have to do.   Easy?  Not in a heartbeat....but so much is possible with love.  And I am so grateful for all the love that surrounds us.  I know that Cade feels that love, too.  

     A quick update on McKenzie.  She is winding down her freshman year at Azusa Pacific University and doing well.  She is thrilled that we broke down and let her take her car back with her after Spring Break.  Classes are done May 2nd and she will be home for the summer.  She applied for a position on a Christian Mission trip with RockHarbor Church and was selected to go to Uganda, Africa for two weeks this summer.  She has already raised 58% of the money required to go.  She is head over heels about "going global" and fulfilling her dream of going to work in Africa.  She spent a week of her Spring Break in Mexicali, Mexico working with under-privileged kids.  This stuff just turns her on.  She's pretty balanced though.....tongue in cheek.....she knows how to spend money just as well as she can raise it for the under-privileged.  She's the average American teenager in that way.....she loves to shop....for her it's shoes and purses.  But she is a hard worker, her grades have been great and we couldn't be more proud of her.  

     Wow, I am proud of myself!  This section was easier to write than I imagined.  It's wrapping it up that is proving difficult!  I guess what I want to say is to give love and receive love.  God gave us the tremendous ability to love and it really can make a difference.  Look outside yourself, and you will see, your love to others can really change the world.  

    And thank you.....for all you do for us.....your love, support and prayers.  We are so truly blessed.  

In Him name, 

Joel and Lisa  

                   March 2, 2008

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  Long before we first heard of Christ.....he had his eyes on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.      Ephesians 1:11

February 29, 2008

Psalm 40:1-3

"I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.   .......  Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.  You are my help and my deliverer;       oh my God, do not delay." 

                    February 24, 2008

     Wow, I can't believe I haven't entered anything here since Super Bowl Sunday.  Thinking back, however, it has taken me this long to sort out my thoughts and put them on paper. 

     This past month, every day I seemed to vaciliate back and forth on what happened in January, why it happened, what is still wrong now, is it the baclofen pump or a new stage.....what can we do to continue to move Cade ahead in his recovery. 

     First, let me tell you how incredibly frustrating everything has been, and on top of it, to have no answers, and a divided team of doctors.  To simplify it.....

1.    No one still knows exactly what went wrong in January.  The toxology reports of the extracted baclofen medicine are still pending, and the doctors differ on whether the pump is working correctly.  Some say it is, others say it is not....some think it should be diagnostically evaluated, others not. 

2.   Most everyone agrees that the cranial surgery on March 10th is important....most believe it will help Cade with his automonic dysfunction and spasticity problems, once he gets through the recovery period.  Some doctors think that Cade's current level of spasticity will be a detriment to smooth recovery, and that his surgery should only proceed if we can get a handle on this over the next two weeks. 

3.   Some of the doctors don't want to make any changes, either with medications or changing the dosage on the pump, until after the surgery.  Others think that Cade's spasticity is extreme enough to warrant making changes that will make him more comfortable and more stable going into the surgery.  Some doctors think the pump should be diagnostically evaluated now and fixed before the surgery.  Others think we should wait.  And some don't think there is a problem with the workings of the pump. 

4.  Joel and I hate the baclofen pump, always have.  It has always been a problem, and our choice would be to remove it and find another way to control his spasticity.  We do believe, however, that this must be a long-term goal and can not be accomplished until after the recovery from the cranial surgery. 

   So basically, there is no consensus among the team members as what went on in January and what we should do in the next coming weeks.  And to complicate matters, the cranial surgery is coming up quickly....two weeks from tomorrow actually.  

    Where does this leave Joel and I?  Confused to be sure, constantly asking questions and evaluating the answers, hoping not to annoy or distance any team members.   A tough spot to be in, for sure.  We truly believe that everyone has Cade's best interest at heart, and maybe there is no right or wrong answer. I feel like I have gotten every experts opinion, bounced their ideas off of each other (a very dangerous thing to do in the medical community), and asked more questions and what ifs that I can think of.  But the answers still elude us.  I will say that one team member's suggestions and proposed plans makes a lot of sense to Joel and I.  We are hoping and praying that events this week will make our decisions easier.  But we feel we can not do nothing.  Cade was making good progress in December and January before the baclofen episode, and we need to get back to that.  Maybe the key hangs on getting back the toxology report next week.  But Joel and I think it hangs more on "Is the pump working as it should?  If not, then what do we do to fix it?  If it can't get fixed or is more of a problem for Cade than a fix, are there oral medications that can help?"  More importantly, we want ALL of the team members to agree that Cade is medically stable enough for a major surgery two weeks from now and that we are doing everything we can to insure a smooth recovery.  So much easier said than done.   

     When the water gets this murky, we have found that we have to sit still and listen to our heart.  Rarely, if at all, has it led me wrong.  Yes, you always seem to be plagued by a bit of doubt whether you have made the right decision, but usually that doubt is instilled by others emotions, feelings or comments.  I feel like we need to just clear the air, and go with our hearts on what is best for Cade.  We have been fortunate, too, that Joel and I have always, at the end of the day, agreed upon what steps to take for Cade.  Although during the decision-making process, we both seem to have our opinions, at the end.....we both come to the same conclusion.  I am praying that this is the direction we are heading in these next two weeks. 

    So, are we on for March 10th, or off?  Do we evaluate the pump now or later?  Do we change Cade's medications to ease is current level of spasticity or wait?  Do we do nothing or something or is there something we haven't thought of yet? 

     Our prayers are for Him to speak to us and make it clear.  We ask you to pray this for us. 

In him name,    Joel and Lisa  

Super Bowl Sunday 2008

     What an emotional rollercoaster these past three weeks have been.  Here we sit, 11:00 pm on Sunday night, looking forward to Cade's discharge tomorrow morning.  21 total days in 3 different hospitals, 11 days in Intensive Care....looking back, it's hard to even believe we went through this.  Dozens of doctors, days with no answers...and then finding out that Cade was withdrawing from baclofen, the muscle relaxing drug from his pump.....that darn pump that we hate so much.  He suffered so much....and it was so unfair.  All of this is unfair....for Cade, for us, for McKenzie.  But we have found that if we dwell on the unfairness, the anger that follows takes up so much energy which then takes away from the tremendous amount of effort that is necessary to devote to Cade's recovery.  It's a vicious cycle we have learned to avoid. 

     This reminds me of a story that Joel's brother shared with us early in Cade's recovery.  An Indian Chief of a tribe gathering his little injun's around the fire and told them a story....in short, inside each of us there are two wolves, a good wolf and a bad wolf, and all day long the two wolves fight and fight.  One little indian asks the Chief, "At the end of the day, who wins?"  The Chief answers, "The wolf that you feed."   And so, it has become an expression in our family, "Don't feed the bad wolf."  Not sure why I decided to share this story, but it goes back to not wasting alot of energy on focusing on the negative.  It's not productive and a big waste of time and energy.  I think you can apply this to all areas of our life. 

     We have been truly touched by the many people we have met during this hospitalization.  ICU nurses, aides, doctors and mostly, other families that are going through some touch times.  We have bonded with a LA family whose 15 year old son was run down in a cross walk in Santa Barbara in September.  He suffers from a very similar brain injury as Cade, and yet is only 5 months into his recovery.  We would appreciate your prayers for Ilan and his family, as they learn to navigate these difficult times.  And we have met others here.....11 year old girl waiting for a heart transplant, a baby who just received a new kidney from his dad, a 17 year old fighting serious pneumonia and other complications due to his kidney transplant. We see so many other families fighting the same kind of fight as us.....to give their kids their quality of life back.  The situations are different, but our goals are the same.  These kids are true heroes.   

     We hear people tell us how lucky Cade is to have us...to stay by his side and advocate for him day in and day out.  Truthfully, we don't see how anyone could chose to do it any differently.  And although we are fatigued and stretched to the limit most of the time, we are the ones who feel lucky.  Well, lucky is probably not the right word...but....privileged.....that's the right word.  Privileged to be the parents of Cade and help him in his fight for recovery.  Grateful that we have the resources to help him and friends to help us walk this walk.  Do we wish it were different?  You bet we do.....but we can't change what has happened, but we can chose how we are going to handle it.   We try not to feed the bad wolf, we keep our eyes focused on God and the blessings He sends us, we keep our family circle close and we are moving forward, day by day, step by step.   

                  January 28, 2008

     Today was supposed to be our big day....our final bone graft surgery.  And here we sit at UCLA recovering from some sort of baclofen withdrawal.  But when I got up this morning, exhausted from a poor night's sleep, I refused to concentrate on what today was supposed to be.  I was thrilled to wake and find Cade more alert than he has been in almost 3 weeks.....and giving me appropriate "yes" blinks when I asked questions.  "Yes" I am feeling a little better, "yes" I would like you to wipe my face with a warm washcloth, "No" I don't want a bath, "Yes" maybe later.  Thank God!   We have not been able to get a response from Cade and this is the best improvement we have seen yet.  

     Yesterday was a bittersweet kind of day.  McKenzie spent the day with us at UCLA.  It was great to see her, but she was distraught seeing Cade doing so poorly.  I think it was hard for all of us to say goodbye at the end of the day.  Joel drove her back, then headed home to Newport.  I stayed with Cade overnight and Joel will be here later today.  I know that he will be thrilled with the changes in Cade since yesterday.  

     Once I got my head screwed on straight today, I realized that hopefully the worst is behind us and home should be in the not too distant future.  It gave me the push I needed to get through the morning.  Cade is back on food (he has lost over 10% of his weight) and I want to be able to have him sit at the edge of the bed today.  Maybe a bit too aggressive for his first good day....we'll see.  They say Cade will come home either Wedneday at the earliest or Thursday, depending on all things continuing to move in the right direction.  He will be on another 2 weeks of heavy antibiotics, just in case there is an undetected bacteria they never found. 

    I also realized today that our focus needs to be on the March 10th cranial reconstruction surgery.  We need to get Cade home as quickly as possible, get him stable, fit and ready for that date.  We will not fill our calendar with a lot of appts or therapies, but will rather spend our time focusing on getting well.  I am so grateful that Lawrence, Cade's nurse, is waiting in the wings for him to come home to help me with this. 

     I met some amazingly brave people during this hospitalization.  A 15 year old boy with a TBI like Cade's, in the fourth month of his injury.  A 17 year old waterpolo player who suffered a stroke, a kidney transplant and now is battling severe pneumonia.   A 20 month old girl battling cystic fibrosis.  There are more heroes here at UCLA than you can ever imagine. 

     I will keep you updated as we go through the week.  Please know we are indebted to you for all your prayers and support for Cade's continued journey of recovery from brain injury.

                     January 18, 2008

     As Cade is resting peacefully for the first time in almost a week, our minds and souls just spin with different emotions over what has gone on over the past week.  And I am sorry to say, that we are just so exhausted that we just need to sign off and go to bed.  To try to fill the tank so that tomorrow we have the strength to move ahead.  As you can only imagine, Cade is a whole lot of work.  It basically takes two people full time to take care of him the way we think he should be.  And that responsiblity falls upon Joel, myself and Lawrence, his nurse.  Everyday, we try to stay as upbeat, as hopeful and as positive as possible.  Cade has such an uphill battle......we must continually let him know that all of us believe it is possible and with time it will come true. 

    Our weekend will be busy with Cade, but I hope that I will be able to find time to share more with you.  So many emotions, so much thought process this past week.  But for now, I must sign off and just ask you to pray for Cade's continual progress.   In His love,  Joel and Lisa Feitler

December 19, 2007

     We had an amazing trip to the Dominican Republic.  McKenzie and I desperately missed and worried about Joel and we are grateful that everything went smoothly.  McKenzie and I both agreed that Dad adds an element of fun to any event.....we missed his humor, his antics and even his crazy golf cart trips to town.  Next time.....

    I do have to say that with each trip we have made to the DR, I become more strongly convinced about what we are doing with the stem cells.  It is a combination of meeting other families and hearing their stories of improvement, getting a better handle on what the stem cells are doing and how they do it and a more comfortable feeling with the doctors and team administering the treatment.  I feel so positive and encouraged each time I come back.  Especially this trip.  Again, I met some incredible families, whose struggles are different than ours, but yet so similar.  I am so touched deep in my heart when I meet their children and witness their incredible dedication to help them heal.  Some of them have such devastating diagnosises, that I actually felt somewhat guilty.....there was no room for feeling sorry for myself.  Some of those I met are only hoping that the stem cells with halt or slow the progression of their illness.  I think that is what impacted me the most on this trip.  We have so much hope for Cade.....yes, he has lost so much......but there is so much possibility to rebuild back a meaningful life for him.   Others I met are praying that the stem cells will halt or slow down the progression of their illness. I found that I gather so much strength from these other families as we share our stories and struggles and they hold a special place in my heart.  I was glad that McKenzie was able to experience this too and I know that she is profounded affected. 

     Lately I have been thinking alot about the concept that we do not chose the roles we are given in life, but we can chose how we play them.  I have found that if I just keep that in the forefront of my mind, it helps me get through the day.  As I find myself surrounded by others that are dealing with illness, injury or tragedy, they are excellent role models for me.  

     On a sad note, when we returned from the DR, Joel told us that Zack, the horse Cade has been riding who belongs to our friends the Longs, died on Saturday.  He was very old and he died peacefully.  It was incredibly difficult for the Longs, and all of us, but as we talked about it, we all realized and were grateful for the gift he had given Cade in his last weeks of life.  And, the gift that Cade gave him, too....Zack so enjoyed walking Cade around that corral.  He went out with such glory.  We will all miss you Zack, and thank you.  I know that you will hand those reins over to Whiskey with pride. 

     As I sign off here today, I just want to wish everyone a blessed holiday.  How easy it is to get lost in the wrong reason for the season.  I hope that doesn't happen to you.  I want to close off with the last paragraph from a Christmas letter we received from our dear friends, the Valhalla's from Leucadia.  They say it perfectly.

"I guess it's the case with every one of us,

That our future's in God's hands, in Him we will trust.

And it's through His strong love that He sent us His son

To give us new life.  Our hearts he has won. 

For on this CHRISTmas day, we honor His name,

And remember all the reasons down to us He came. 

That His love for each one so great and so strong

We pray it remain in your hearts all year long."

                  MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love, the Feitlers

November 5, 2007

     I'm sitting here at the computer trying not to scratch the poison oak I have all over my neck and shoulder.  This past week, I have been an itchy mess.....but it was worth it.  Read on and I'll let you know how I got it.  

     As usual, we have been really busy around here.  Cade's daily schedule is always packed.  But we realize that everything can't be about therapy.....we have to help Cade have fun in some way.  And that is a challenge, because before Cade's accident, having fun for him always meant doing something physical....snowboarding, surfing, skateboarding, hockey....anything that meant moving around.  I think everyone that knows Cade realizes how incredibly difficult it must be for him not to be able to move (yet). 

    We take Cade everywhere we go and try to keep him involved in as much as possible.  We have spent alot of time with him at the beach, and although it is relaxing and beautiful, he's not doing anything where he is actively involved.  But these past two weekends, we found something that Cade really enjoys, something that he can actively participate in, and it's therapeutic too. 

     Our dear friends, Bill and Peggy Long have a horse ranch in Murrietta.  We used to go there with McKenzie and Cade before his accident and ride the horses.  It's a beautiful woodsy getaway, full of oak trees and horse trails.  We went out last weekend, and got Cade on gentle Zack.  At first, he was tense and somewhat frightened, but by the time we got to the corral, he was really relaxed and enjoying himself.  Actually, horseback riding for those who are physically challenged is very good therapy.  They say that the movement you feel while you are riding the horse is similar to your gait in walking.  You can see by the pictures on the Photo Album that Cade is really enjoying it.  It was so great that we got up yesterday morning and went back out for another day of riding. 

    So, I guess you figured out that I got the poison ivy from the Ranch.  But I never touched anything and was very careful as I know it is common out there.  But maybe I got it from petting the horses.  Yesterday I was really really careful (everyone thought I was basically paranoid), but the itch is very annoying and uncomfortable.  I don't go anywhere without my Hydrocortisone cream!   Luckily, Cade didn't get any. 

     It was so good for all of us to be back with the Longs at their Ranch.  They have been the most incredible friends, both before Cade's accident and after.  We have travelled extensively with them and Cade and McKenzie are like their children.  We are so fortunate that they have taken such an active role in Cade's recovery, and all of us were so excited about the new horseback riding experience for Cade.  Next summer we plan on visting the Longs at their summer home in Florence, Oregon and I know that Bill is just counting the days until he can get Cade on the sand buggy! 

     McKenzie is doing great at Azusa Pacific University.  The work load is challenging but she is enjoying her classes, her new friends and her freedom.  We will be having Thanksgiving dinner here at our house with our friends Bill and Peggy Long, three of their children, Joel's brother Jeff and McKenzie's roommate, Christie and her family from Colorado Springs. 

     Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving! 

October 26, 2007

     Every day I say, "I need to update Cade's website."  And yet something always gets in the way.  And then I run into neighbors and friends who remind me that the news is old and needs an update.  This week, I think I have an excuse. 

     To make a long story short, this week the Feitler house was "Refugee Camp" to 10 adults, 2 dogs, 2 cats and a turtle....all who had been evacuated from their neighborhood in San Diego.  We got the call on Monday afternoon.  Dan, an old friend from Leucadia called and said, "We are being evacuated.....can we stay with you?"  Of course, we said.   "But I need to bring my mother, too.....she is only a few weeks out of surgery......"  "Bring her!!!!", we said.  "There are a few other people.....", Dan said.  "No problem......just come."     Well,  5 hours later, after inching up the 5 freeway at 15 miles per hour, the "refugees" showed.  Four cars, 10 people, 2 dogs, 2 cats (who don't get along) and Barbara, the turtle who preferred the flower bed over the cardboard box.  Well, after everyone settled in, ate lots of pizza and reconnected......Dan brought out his guitar and we sang Christian worship songs.  It was great.  There was a feeling in that room that night.....I just can't explain it.  A memory that just can't be repeated.  The next several days were spent constantly watching
CNN and trying to find reputable news on the San Diego fires.  There were some tears and some laughter. By Wednesday, word was out that it was safe to go home and their homes were intact.  We loved having them here and felt that is was a privilege to host our dear friends.  We joked about when we are in our 80's, we'll be saying "Remember the fires in 2007.....when we all camped out at the Feitler's?!?!"  We are so grateful that they did not lose their home or any of their possessions, and our hearts and prayers go out to the thousands of Californians who were not so fortunate. 

     Cade certainly seemed to enjoy the change of routine and all the activity.  The changes we see with Cade are slow but undeniable that he is getting better.  My dear friend Diana, Samantha's mom, once told me that the changes will never be fast enough, and only time will tell if they will be good enough.  So we just don't stop and think about it....we try not to have too much "down" time....it's best to dig deep and keep moving forward.  No matter how difficult, how tiring or how sad we are. I think this is what best describes how we are handling this.....this split second tragedy that changed Cade's life, over 2 1/2 years ago. - Mornings are hardest, I think......at least for Joel and I.  Cade has alot of anxiety at bedtime.  It has gotten worse, too.  He does pretty good during the day, but we keep him so busy.  But at night, for those first couple of hours when he lays down to sleep, I think that the reality is just too much to bear.  And the anxiety sets in.  Sometimes we have to resort to medication if reassurance doesn't work. 

     Along with these small changes and improvements come renewed hope, encouragement and the will and energy to keep going.  But it also brings with it saddness over how drastically Cade's life, and all of our lives, have changed, and how hard he must work on a daily basis. 

     We are encouraged by Cade's increased vocalizations.  And yet at the same time, we are constantly concerned over the lack of purposeful movements.  We will continue to explore the issue with the baclofen pump and see if turning it down will encourage more movement.  We are doing everything possible to get some kind of movement......range of motion, patterning, repetitive movements of any type, aggressive therapy, pharmalogical stimulants, and decreasing the baclofen.  Something has to work!!!!

    Both doctor appointments this week, the plastic surgery team at UCLA and with Dr. Patterson, gave us the boost we needed.  Everyone agrees that Cade is doing really well after the surgery and that we need to just keep doing what we are doing, and head for that January 28th final surgery in the best possible health he can be in. 

    And that is the plan.......to continue to flood his brain with pure oxygen from the hyperbaric chamber, to get more stem cells, to work aggressively at PT, to stimulate Cade as much as possible in every way possible.....and to pray.  There is no denying that Cade has experienced a significant injury to his brain.....one that will take alot to recovery from.  But we are doing all that is humanly possible to help him, and I am constantly reminding God that we are doing all that we can, and that we need His help.   

     We also try to remember to look around at all the blessings that this tragedy has brought to us.  This is something we can not deny.  Please do not ever think you are bothering us with a phone call or visit to see how we are doing.  We are so blessed with your love and support.  Cade needs all of you and so do we.   We go to bed at night and thank Him for all that He has given us.  And yes, we are always asking Him for more......and we know that He is listening. 

      We are ever grateful to all of you for your continued prayers for Cade's recovery.  We can not express that enough.   

September 11, 2007

     With guarded optimism, we are moving through the first day after surgery.  Cade is doing so very, very well and we are praying things continue moving in the right direction. 

    Yesterday was a tough day for us all.  Back to pacing the waiting room while Cade was in surgery, the apprehension of seeing him in ICU again and feeling the desperation of being back in the hospital.  McKenzie, just one week at college, worrying and wondering how Cade is doing.   

     The hospital scene is just filled with tragedy and dispair.  You can't help but see the look on people's faces and wonder what they are dealing with.  Yesterday, I witnessed several families in distress....I overhead a woman being told by her doctor that they removed a massive cancerous tumor from her husband and he had little chance for recovery.....I saw a 2 lb premature infant fighting for a chance to live.....and the darling baby in Critical Care with a ventricular drain in her brain (like Cade had during the summer of 2005), her parents distraught over whether she will be having a shunt surgery this weekend. 

     There is so much suffering and pain in the world.  We have not only seen it, but personally experienced it.  You can't help but to ask why.  Believe me, we have asked why so many times.  Why Cade? Why did this tragedy have to invade our family?  As time has gone on and seeing the things I have seen, I have to ask, "Why that family?  Why that child?  Why that baby?"  What is accomplished from such intense suffering?

     I have battled these feelings and have searched for spiritual answers. I have read about Job and searched through Romans for some sort of answer.  Sometimes I think I find it, other times, the answer evades me. 

    I want to thank my new friend Judy for suggesting I read the book, A Grace Disquised, by Jerry Sittser.  I have just started it, but it really speaks to my soul about loss and suffering and grief.  I want to share something that I hope helps many of you as it has helped me.  I am taking this straight from his book. 

"There is little we can do to protect ourselves from these losses and suffering.  They are as inevitable as old age, wrinkled skin, aching bones and fading memory.  There is much we can do, however, to determine how to respond to them.  We do not always have the freedom to choose the roles we must play in life, be we can choose how we are going to play the roles we have been given.  

Choice is therefore the key.  We can run from the darkness, or we can enter into the darkness and face the pain of loss.  We can indulge ourselves in self-pity, or we can empathize with others and embrace their pain as our own.  We can run away from sorrow and drown it in addictions, or we can learn to live with sorrow.  We can nurse wounds of having been cheated in life, or we can be grateful and joyful, even though there seems to be little reason for it.  We can return evil for evil, or we can overcome evil with good.  It is this power to choose that adds dignity to our humanity and gives us the ability to transcend our circumstances, thus releasing us from living as mere victims.  These choices are never easy.  Though we can and must make them, we will make them more often than not only after much agony and struggle."   

      We are doing everything possible to help Cade with his recovery and we won't give up.  We hold on to our hope that he will recovery significant function and speech and that he can experience joy and happiness again in his life.  And while we work toward this goal, we want to keep Jerry Sittser's words close to our heart.....be grateful for the things you have, embrace others in their pain.....don't allow the su